rethink about myself....

Year of dragon.  This is my 4th time to have the year of dragon. 

A long time ago.... someone told me that I need to be careful 36 and 48 year Olds. 

End up, I lost my daughter when I was 36 years old. It was the year of dragon. 

So this year, 48 years old.... that would be something related to my legs.... 

Today I am very unhappy. My husband said I act like 爛仔.  This is the way I live... my attitude is like 爛仔.  Should ibe proud? Bcoz part of MK jai is like that too. 

Being this attitude is how I protect myself. I guess. I just don't know how to face the world without a thing how to protect myself. 

Don't know how to face the world.... maybe I should not face the world anymore. 

I see some people die bcoz of illness. They fight until very last minutes.... but do they want to fight until last? Or they have no choice? 

Some people end their lives... they must have lots of guts in order to do so....I have been asking myself.... do I have guts to do it??? 

I ask myself so many times.... do I have the choice to choose end of live? Do I have lots of guts??? 

一個人一杯飲品，可以俾自己開心點嗎？

原來自己已經有七個月內心無容居所了。

係咪咁差？

每當我要求返娘家食飯，你都黑起面口，係咪屋企真係咁差？係咪咁臭？定係我影衰你？

Still on!!!! Hope you still read them...

Wow!! seriously... didn't have a chance to write on here...

I have another two blogs (actually ... more than 2... but 2 are still active)

http://www.godwalkswithus.blogspot.com (new chapter began in my life)

http://www.godwalkswithlily.blogspot.com (how my mom became a cancer survivor)

I have been reading what I wrote about Boy Jai... ... Honestly, I really want to have a book between Boy Jai and I.

Do you think I will be able to do so?

New Life, New feel

May 7 2011: I got married in Toronto, Canada.

I was happy. I was touched. I was warmed. I was Loved.

I went to Disney Cruise (Disney Wonder) with our immediately families from May 10 - May 17. It was good. Of coz 13 people together in the ship would have some disagreement.

It was the first time that I see Kenneth EXPLOSED!!! He was arguing with his Dad and at that moment, I didn't know what I should do. The only thing I do was going along with Kenneth. He was the one I love. I couldn't see another reason to stay for that dinner but not going with him.

Still... he didn't talk to his Dad yet. *sigh* ... Should be ok soon... I know.

Now... I do have my own Home Sweet Home, but actually I am still trying to adapt myself into my new position, Mrs. Man.

I still miss my old home alot. I miss COOKIE!!! I have to give up my Dog for Kenneth. Kenneth may not think it is important... but people know me... they should know how much I weight my dog. Sometimes do higher than HUMAN!! I should rephase it... They weight HIGHER than human at ALL TIME! Kenneth, I do love you very much.

Times go fast... should treasure where I was and who I was with...

Lost the keys

What should I do....? I lost the car keys....

2 CAR KEYS... DAM!!!

I am in DEEP SHIT!!!

What a week

It had been a very tough week for me. I was super tired as I was running around for my own wedding, my mom, my family and Kenneth's new house...

Have to run. I am super tired...

Japan Earthquake 8.9

This is a very Long day for me.
May 11, 2011. Japan had earthquake 8.9
It was very scary. It was in horrified.

I felt so bad to all Japanese. At the same time, I felt so proud to their engineers, they spent so many years to prevent and eventually, you could see their successes from their buildings. Of coz, NOT EVERY BUILDINGS survived, but somehow it had been stood up still and saved a lot of people.

I don't like watching any Disasters happened. I really don't like anything like this happen. That means... God is showing us TIME is coming soon.
More people dies, bigger part of nature will be destroyed.

Back to the Japan earthquake, one important reason I keep it very closely, Uncle Edmund, Auntie Lanley, Uncle Milton and Auntie Siu Ngan are actually in Japan. I really don't know whether or not they are ok, but there are still a lot of aftershocks. It is very dramatic to what happened, but why? why it happened to my family as well???

I really don't know ... I really don't know ... I can't think of anything... I really can't think of...

I miss you, Uncles and Aunties. Please come home soon. Please....

May 7 2011

Do you like this picture...???

A Prayer

Dear God,

Please help me. Please take away my anger. I always ask myself, being a doctor's daughter, how come I need to worry about money at all time? How come Dad never think all those FREE of CHARGE and FREE DRUG to his relatives indirectly effect us?

Please take away my anger to my relatives and his friends. Those people never think of how the Dr's family like. Never have a peace of mind as every month need to worry where the money should come from when Dad needs to pay off their "FREE OF CHARGE" and FREE DRUG to them, to their friends, even to their maids. THERE IS no free lunch, but how come they have to take advantages from us? Dear God, I am very sorry. I can't stop thinking about it since I was very little. Even the Maids don't need to pay? Dear God... please forgive me to have so much anger inside.

Please take away my weakness point by having trouble in financial issues. Please God... please help me... I am fading out... I am passing out... My Lord, without you, I don't think I can go that far... Please let me know how much you love me. Please let me know what I should do in order to make sure my family is worry free...

My Lord, I love you.

In the name of Jesus Christ, ~Amen.

pieces of life

Wow! so much to do... I mean... I resigned from World Vision Canada.... I am getting FULL gear on all little pieces in my life...

Taking care of Mom
Working on freelance
Working on my wedding....

wow!!!Coollll!!!

percy

Last Trip of 2010

Happy New year to all of you!!!

I would like to make sure you guys are happy....

Sorry that i didn't keep up my blog to you all... Hope still have couple people will read it... If you are back to read it again... Please leave me a comment... so I have the motive to keep it going!!

OK!! ....

Christmas, I went to "St. Maarten" with Kenneth. However, before we left, I had to finish up my work before our departure. There were works had to be done for CCAMAA, and there were some works that I had to finish for church.

Ok... I guess... no matter what.... I completed what I need to do... and We headed to St. Maarten. People might asked... where it is... it is hard to explain to you on here.. just make sure you "GOOGLE" it or "YAHOO" it...

Anyway, 7 days, 6 days were on the beach. It was a very BIG challenge for me. I didn't really like SAND / SEA WATER. Anyway, Every single time to Snokelling was a stressful activity for me. But I liked it.

This was my Holiday... I was happy.

(Note: that snokel person was not me, I was holding camera)

Have a Wonderful 2011!

away and back...

Some of you may wonder where I am.

Sorry, my friends. My mom is sick, and I am taking care of her 24-7.

It is very energy drainage. Not that I don't like to take care of her, but she has been up and down in the past weeks and I have to find different way to cheer her up. *sigh* ... not a very good thing I can do EVERYDAY.

Good that I have Kenneth to walk this journey with me. I have been working on the schedule and stuffs for my wedding while Mom is resting. I think it is very very easy... I guess I didn't reach the hard part yet.

At the same time, I am working the annual dinner event for CCAMMA. I don't know how to write so the president does has a certain level of STRESS to correct my wordings. Hahaaha! just like ... Teacher correct student's assignment. Sorry, Loretta. Didn't have the mood to revise and revise. just revise once and send to her... Poor her...

Anyway... Snow out... Wind out... very very cold!!!!! -10!!! Good luck to us...

I am going away between Dec 17 and Dec 25.

Heading to where? hahaahahaa! You will find out later.

Being Sensitive...

Talking about how I feel these days...

TO be honest, I can't feel of anything.... Bcoz...

I am very sensitive to the people around me.

Sensitive how Mom is doing... feeling cold? feeling hot? feeling dizzy? feeling vomit? feeling stomache? feeling angry? feeling hopeless....

Sensitive how Kenneth with other female friends... talking about friend[s], actually just ONE that I am very sensitive about. Of coz Kenneth is not agreed of how I feel. He doesn't understand the way I think of that. OH well... it passed... .Hope it really passed...

Sensitive how Mickey and Cookie doing... they both are senior dogs... the way they walk, they bark, they eat... are getting different from before...

I am not worried, just sensitive...

I have a feeling that one of my friends is actually doing something betrayed me but she doesn't know. She thinks it is ok to share my information with others... humm... I have to revise about our relationship on this issue. Oh well...

Right now... just ... do whatever I need to do...

Take care of my Mom.

Hard to say...

Just by how I looked... could you tell what went wrong?

To be honest, I didn't know... First time ever I felt dizzy that I couldn't control. First time I felt how much I didn't prepare enough for the living people.

Maybe I should prepare things before I leave this place... right?

一個人。。。

一個人要識講大話係要叻到連自己既大話係真。唔單止一個“擒” 一個﹐仲要係駁到成為生活一部份。

一個人最失望係再尊重唔到一直尊重既人。

一個人被人鄙視既時候就係傷害到自己家人同時以為自己掩飾得好好。。。。

What a stressful day...

I am trying so hard... to relax...

I am supposed to relax...
I am really stressed right now....

Today is not a good day. I thought I can be relaxed, end up I have to alert at all time...

Cookie is not feeling well...
Mickey is peeing everywhere....
Thinking about my invitation card.... at the same time... need to find the reasons to support my own ideas to Fiance...
Tring to lose more pounds but end up gained 0.75lb....
Willing to get stuffs done, but at the same time... I am telling myself ....



Percy Chan...


One thing at a time....



One by one....



DON'T RUSH!!!

But ... my money is slipping away....

Need to get myself together and find a job ....

But I guess... I will leave this part to God. He knows what is the best for me.... he planned my road.... God bless to me....

Cookie I love you....

After my resignation, I am trying to recover from high stress level to normal. Still have quite a bit neck pain and can't really go to sleep yet. I guess it takes sometimes to do so.

I went to talk to brother Chris (Pastor Chris) and he taught me one very important thing: one little thing at a time. I set a goal and acheive everyday. That will build up my self-esteem.
It is not easy for me to build it from ZERO.

I should thank my ex-manager. If she didn't drag me to ZERO self-esteem, I would not do it from beginning.

Everyday, I do thing little by little, and find sometimes to take the following pictures. It is time to take more or I will regret like what I did to Boy jai and Connor. Take more pictures and he will be my memories in the future.


He always get very tired. His hind legs are not really working properly anymore, but he is very brave and work on "get up", "go upstairs" himself. He is strong enough NOT to let us help him. He still has very nice coat. very nice manner and of coz, his pair of pity eyes.

He starts to reduce the alert as he has nothing to lose anymore. He never use to sleep in day time with eye close. Now he does it ALL the time... Whenever he gets up, he will look for me. Make sure people around him. Gives me a big YAWN and lie back down. This is his day. He prefers not to walk around to be security guard anymore. He prefers to stay with me. He rather walk around me instead of search around the house.

One day, I am too concentrated to look at him, and I fall to sleep. When I open my eyes, I see...

a BIG HEAD and a pair of BIG EYES looking right back at me...

He is very closed to me. I mean too close... my eyes go out of focus. He is very very closely watching me. guarding me. He doesn't step back at all since day 1 he lives with me. Only me, left him behind... always left him behind...

Take a closer look at him again. Finally, his grey/white hair starts to grow more and more around his nose, now.... around his eyes too... still ... he looks so handsome and he knows he is still handsome. I never abandon him. He was being left behind twice. I won't let it happen to him again. I will walk with him until the last breathe he has.

Cookie, I love you. I know your legs are hurting and you pretends nothing bothering you. I know your eyes can't see clear anymore. Don't worry. I will be your guide. bcoz you are my cookie. The only Cookie I will ever have.... You are just too unique... too special...

Cookie, I love you always. Don't leave me too soon.

Losing weight.

Weight Loss PLAN started 3 weeks ago. It was awesome. First time ever I felt awesome. I lost 10 lbs in the 1st week.

So sad, I went to Ottawa with friends, end up I gained 6 lbs right the way....

Started from then... it was so hard to accept the difficulty of lossing weight again.

I am going to work so hard... bcoz I believe my pre-wedding pictures should be taken in Oct. It is very frustrated on how to prepare myself in a peaceful way.... Ka Ho got into car accident, then his wisdom teeth (yeah.. can't believe it.. he had wisdom teeth).... then ... my accupunture,etc etc.

Just so many things. I am very tired. I just want to find the TIME.... pass thru peacefully... but not rushing to this, and rushing to that... What the heck...??

Now... I am not in hurry to look for job ... Going to rest, trying to recover from healthy body... losing some weight...

THis is my goal... LOSING as much as POSSIBLE.... before OCT!!!!

THIS IS a MUST!! a MUST MUST MUST!!!!!!!!

It is time...

IT is not the time to CONFRONT what it went wrong.

It is time to take care of the people who is still alive.
It is time to take care of the people who passed away and wanted to go home.
It is time to love the people around you when you still can.
It is time to alert ourselves how we should treasure of what we have.
It is time to bless of what we had, what we still have...

Final decision: taking a rest.

It is a big decision.

But I can't think of anything else.... but making sure my health is getting better.

I have been pushed, forced to do something out of my limit. I can't breathe.. but no one care... I am not happy... , it included into my income. I need to get out... but I need to think first.

Honestly, I love my work. I really do. I love my job. I love World Vision Canada. But ... it is time for me to think if I should stay there anymore. I can't stand it anymore.... I mean... I can't stand HER anymore... why do I care about her that much when I should care my health.

I know they will be so mad at me... and maybe I will have phone calls and stuffs. Oh well... they can handle it.. I will let them do it.

I am going to hand the Dec NL action plan to them.
I will send the businesss sponsor list to them.
I will pass the stuffs to Ginnie. (Poor ginnie)....

God, please forgive me to leave my team in the middle of the event. I need a rest... I really need a rest... I can't wait until the event finish. There will be abother event....

If SHE didn't trigger me, I guess I will stuck at the position ... wanna go...but can't. I have to prove that it is their loss to push me to the corner.

It is HER! it is ALL HER!!!!!