What am I doing?
Why am I crying?
How should I face the problems?
Who should I talk to?
When is my time come?
I am looking at my dogs now. They are just sitting beside me. Why am I feeling lonely? When I have them? When I have Kenneth in my life?
I am crying, bcoz I know my boss is going to confront me of my LATE? why am I late? An hour driving every morning is not easy for me. 2 hours driving back home is a headache. Why God? Why are you leading me to this? Am I really that bad you have to DISCIPLINE me? you have to CHANGE me?
I feel so much pressure to face ALICEs, yeah, both ALICEs. Alice Ho and Alice Man. When I face to Alice Ho, I don't know how much MORE I need to change to reach her standard. When I face to Alice Man, I don't know how to love her in order for her to feel comfortable.
Where are you, Kenneth? You were saying that when I am crying, you will be here with me, but where are you now? I was holding the knife, thinking if I should go ahead to just finish it... but I just don't want to make it a mess. Just only Ka Ho can't handle stuffs like that. King is emotional now. Parents are worrying about King... I can't... I don't care about myself anymore..
Guess what? EVERYDAY, I just want to get myself into car accident... I don't know why I think like this... why this is my intention EVERYDAY.
People asked me, "Why aren't you happy? You have Kenneth." I don't know. Do I have him? I really don't know. I feel sorry for him that he has to take care of me. He shouldn't. He doesn't need to.
Should I just go back to Single? Should I? SHOULD I?
At this moment, I am very upset. I need to get myself into such situation? Am I a loser or what?
My Heavenly father, without you, I believe I left this world a long long time ago.
1 comment:
Percy,
Since I read your blog from most recent one first, I think you just STOP thinking committing suicide...
There are lots more for you to think of, like your friends, your relative, your dogs, or your ex- and present boy friends, your career...
Don't think so bad for yourself, when you look at people in Rwanda, you are luckier than them, at least you don't have to think about where to find water, food, education...
Your job gives you the chance to see different parts of the world, and there're lots of people need help, your job related to sponsorship is important to them...
Just a note to you, I don't know why King is so unhappy, but as Kar Ho and King's sister, you have to take good care of them. You must die after the die...
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