I never think that is the matter, but I think it does. I start to care about who I call and who will call me. I think one of the reasons I feel lonely is that I am waiting for my friends to call me. Thinking about who will think of me and call me.

I have a lot of phone numbers in my phone list, but I only pick a few to call the most. I feel more comfortable to talk to those people, to be around with them than the rest of others. I forget when I stop calling them and wait for their calls. Let me tell you, it is not a fun game. I don't rely on this game to judge my friendships with them, but I do hope to receive their calls everyday. I am afraid being lonely.

Believe it or not, just before I came back to write this, I was being myself in "Go For Tea". That was not possible, because I hate being alone around the crowds. When everyone were so happy to chit chat and I was sitting at the table alone. I didn't like that feeling.

I really hope you will call me. Just to say HI or ask how my day is. Please not to give me those "I don't care" tone. If you treat me as your friend, please treat me what you want your friends treat you. We may have different standard of friendships. I am sure that things go well between us because GOD gave us the chance to meet, to become friends, and the most important, HE gave us the comfortable feeling to share our stories. Then why do we waste what GOD gave us? Please give me a call even it is nothing to chat about it. I don't want to be hopeless.

I do have a lot of comfortable friends, but talking about sharing. You are one of a few. You know who you are. =) Thank you for being a good friend to me. I will treasure the friendship and you.

It was hard day for me. President asked me to go to her office and "kind of" screamed at me by not making things accurate. I guessed that I should take the responsibilities for that. I tried to be as precised as possible, but things just didn't go too well.

I still remembered Dad used to say that I was careless. Dad was right. However, when I looked at my president, she was mad. I saw her face and she wanted to yell at me. I didn't look at her because I was really scared. I went back to my cubic and started to work. I didn't have time to eat and I actualy wasn't feel hungry.

I was re-thinking why I was there. Would I just quit and get a better job? But then I thought just a little "scream" from boss. I should be ok. I should be handled it well.

Busy and busy and very busy afterward. .... tired... time to take a nap.

Percy

Would you care if I leave without saying a word?

愛上了 看見你 如何不懂謙卑 去講心中理想
不會俗氣 猶如看得見晨曦 才能歡天喜地
抱著你 我每次 回來多少驚喜 也許一生太短
陪著你 情感有若行李 仍然沉重待我整理
* 天氣不似如期 但要走 總要飛
道別不可再等你 不管有沒有機
給我體貼入微 但你手 如明日便要遠離
願你可以 留下共我曾愉快的憶記 當世事再沒完美
可遠在歲月如歌中找你

* 再見了 背向你 回頭多少傷悲
也許不必再講 所有道理 何時放鬆我自己
才能花天酒地 抱著你 我說過 如何一起高飛
這天只想帶走 還是你 如重溫往日郵寄
但會否疲倦了嬉戲 Repeat *

I can't believe what I did

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me strength to tell him that I like him. Thank you for telling me how much he treasures me as his friend. Chris asked me not to afraid to tell you how much I like him. yeah... I like him a lot, but I don't know how to handle it. He doesn't like me and the most important thing: he is not a Christian. I knew it since I started to like him. Dear Lord, please forgive me to have feeling on him even I know I am not supposed to. Please forgive me, Lord.

My heavenly father, I really don't know how much I can do in order to handle the friendship with him. I am sure he wants to keep the friendship, but I don't think I can treat him normal from now. Dear Lord, please do help me! I don't know how to handle the mental part. I do like him a lot, but I really don't want to be hurt!!!!! Please Lord, protect me. I really don't know how to take it easy. Please forgive me being stubborn.

He is a good guy, he cares me a lot... but it seems like everything different from now.... It seems like I ruined the whole thing, did I? I am praying in the name of Jesus Christ, ~Amen.

"Tam Kwan Kon"

A lot of people didn't know Tam Kwan Kon. He was one of the best people in my life. He was my Granduncle, my grandma's brother. He was a soccer legend in HK history. He was goalkeeper in Nam Wah Soccer team back in 50s. He moved to Toronto, Canada in 1976. I didn't have a chance to see him until I was 6. I went to Toronto for visiting and it was the first time I met him. He was 6 ft tall, very build in body with a big SMILE on his face at all time.

The last time I saw him was in hospital in Jan, 2002. I was the one who zipped his bag. I would not forget that scene. I drove very fast from Guelph to Toronto downtown (I was/am still not a downtown person). Boy jai was in the car. I ran up to his ward, my cousin Yu Hon was there waiting for me. I looked at him and he signed me to walk into the room. I went inside and I saw a big plastic bag. First time ever I got so closed to death. I uncovered the bag and I saw him. He was with "staple" on his head (He had a head surgery before he passed away), eyes closed and mouth opened. I couldn't stop my tears and I started to touch his face. First time to touch a person who used to laugh with me, but then slept in the bag. I told him that I thanked him for giving me the honor to close the plastic bag for him. I told him not to worry about grand auntie, I would take care of her for him.

Do you know why I had to mention about it? Honestly, I really don't know. I was thinking of him last night when I was driving back home on 14th Ave. I missed him very much and I started to cry really bad. I really miss him very much!!!! I know that he is waiting for me in the heaven (he is a christian) and I am sure he will be happy to see me again in the heaven. This actually triggers me to be a good christian and find a way to get close to God. I want to learn from God, and I am sure God will guide me all the way from now to the time I go back to Him.

Yeah, I miss you, 5 Kau Gung!!!! I really do!!!!

Life Planning

It is not too late to have a planning, right? I am wondering what I should do in order to get closer to God. Yeah, I admit that I am not strong enough in faith. That is one of the reasons to have a plan.

Here is my plan(Now till Dec 31):

Daily Devotion: Luke and Acts
Daily readings: try to get out Exdous as soon as possible
Side dish: Purpose Driven Life

I am trying to have long term plan, but I know it is not planned by me, but God. however, I prayed to Lord and see what he showed me... so far so good. Even it is only 1 month plan, I really like it very much.

Percy

How much can I handle?

Dear God,

Would you tell me what it means by “friendship”? Why am I friend with him when he hurts me that much? Would you tell me why? Dear my heavenly father, would you tell me why it happened to me? Did I choose the wrong friend? Did I do it on purpose to torture myself??? How come he hurts me so much… and never say a SORRY to me…? Why he treats me like SHIT while I treasure his friendship so much? Why does he has to treat me like this??? Are you trying to prove anything….Are you trying to tell me how much you love me by sending this person to me…? Sorry… My Lord… please let me go back to you …. Please let me just leave his world… I don't know how much I can handle… I don't know how much I can bear with.

Please LORD … please help me… I have a lot of things to go through….. please guide me… I don't know if I can handle it well.. handle it right… please lead me… without you, I have no way to go…I have no place to stay…. Please forgive me how stupid I am… please forgive me how dumb I am…. Please forgive me … how weak I am. I am not willing to give up… but I am telling myself to give up. I am suck at work… I am dumb in friendship… I am no one in relationship… whatelse can I be?

(finished by crying out and hurting myself until I saw blood...)

God has HIS plan in so details

I always think GOD has HIS plan on me... but I just feel so amazed that God actually is not only a planner, but a wonderful well prepared event organizer. I thank God for giving me so many different things happened in my life. Those things were happening one by one. They followed so smooth and so tight in schedule.

I realized how much I am not with my Lord lately. End up I went to get some helps from my mentor. Good that my mentor sat down with me. He made me to think what I needed to focus on and what I should do next. Thank you, my Lord.

He is not having warm place? May I provide him one?

I had a bad day at work today. Heehee, actually, doesn't matter, no matter how much I showed I worked hard, my senior couldn't see it, but only shouting at me by not doing enough. I started to think whether I should just quit the job or just hang in there. I didn't know what to do. Let God show me the way.

I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't want to show how much I wanted to talk to him. I confused myself really bad by holding my feeling away from him. I realized that he has so many choices, so he might not understand my feeling since he had so many girls around him. I really wanted to tell him how much I like him.... and how long I like him.... Oh well... why bother?... To be Con't...

I met him again...

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me another chance to meet him again. I was surprised. I was amazed when I met him again. I thought back to the first time I met him. He was mean, mouthy, bully, insensitive, but he was also nice originally. Thank God for planning me to know this guy. I was happy. He was my friend's friend. He liked my friend very much. I knew it from the first time I met him. That was why I didn't say until our friend get married. I could felt that he likes this girl still but he would not be able to get her anymore. She is getting married.

My dearest Lord, you made me spent 10 years to wait to observe him, you leaded me to see him again, you guided me to see another side of him. Thank you for telling me that he is a fellower, true Christian. Please show me what I should do. Please guide me to walk away from him if he is not the one you planned for me. I need your help, my Lord. I always got very confused who you planned for me, and who are not. Please protect me from hurting. Please show me what I need to do in order to walk the way you've planned. I don't want to do anything you don't like. Please guide me. I am scared to do stupid things you don't like. I am sure you will protect me from doing the bad things.

My Lord, I am happy. You gave me hope again. You gave me wish. Please tell me if he is the one. Please guide me if he is the one you want me to be with. I am praying in the name of Jesus Christ. ~Amen.