Failure in me

What am I doing?
Why am I crying?
How should I face the problems?
Who should I talk to?
When is my time come?

I am looking at my dogs now. They are just sitting beside me. Why am I feeling lonely? When I have them? When I have Kenneth in my life?

I am crying, bcoz I know my boss is going to confront me of my LATE? why am I late? An hour driving every morning is not easy for me. 2 hours driving back home is a headache. Why God? Why are you leading me to this? Am I really that bad you have to DISCIPLINE me? you have to CHANGE me?

I feel so much pressure to face ALICEs, yeah, both ALICEs. Alice Ho and Alice Man. When I face to Alice Ho, I don't know how much MORE I need to change to reach her standard. When I face to Alice Man, I don't know how to love her in order for her to feel comfortable.

Where are you, Kenneth? You were saying that when I am crying, you will be here with me, but where are you now? I was holding the knife, thinking if I should go ahead to just finish it... but I just don't want to make it a mess. Just only Ka Ho can't handle stuffs like that. King is emotional now. Parents are worrying about King... I can't... I don't care about myself anymore..

Guess what? EVERYDAY, I just want to get myself into car accident... I don't know why I think like this... why this is my intention EVERYDAY.

People asked me, "Why aren't you happy? You have Kenneth." I don't know. Do I have him? I really don't know. I feel sorry for him that he has to take care of me. He shouldn't. He doesn't need to.

Should I just go back to Single? Should I? SHOULD I?

At this moment, I am very upset. I need to get myself into such situation? Am I a loser or what?

My Heavenly father, without you, I believe I left this world a long long time ago.

Prayer: THANKS

Dear God,

Thank you for telling me the following:
"My Brothers and Sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, bcoz you know that these troubles test your raith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need" James 1:2-4

Thank you for helping King. I know he knows what he needs to do. Please guide his road. It maybe tough, but I know you are good at that, I know you won't let me down. King needs you badly, he prayed to you, but he couldn't quiet down himself to listen to you. my Lord, please help him ... If coming back to Canada is good for him, then let him be. Please God, arm around him and let him feel the LOVE.

Thank you for letting Alice to face the Death of her grandpa when Kenneth was around. Even though he didn't know what to do about it, but Alice is a brave girl. I know she is learning how to handle it. Please take care of her and her family.

Thank you for giving me the chance to learn NOT to be siu hay. Sorry, Lord, I am very siu hay, bcoz I don't know how to keep what I have. I don't like to share what I have with others. Please Lord help me.

My Lord, whenever I see Alice, I am just so afraid that Kenneth would go back to his old family and leave me behind. I shouldn't think this way, but I know I am thinking this badly. Please let me out of the jealousy and get back into my happy life.

I am not too sure I should give up the relationship bcoz I really don't know if I can handle Alice or not. I am just afraid that she would CHALLENGE me... and my family. I don't know what to do. I know Kenneth would not on my side, so what I should do.

Please give me wisdoms on how to talk to Alice about the death of her grandpa.

Dear Lord, I really do care about how this little girl feel, as she is very smart and good. I really like her. Please take care of her.

My Lord, I need to get back to work. I love you as usual...

~Amen

Taiwan

Dear God,

Taiwan's emergency....Nothing we need to do, bcoz There are just so many different direction to help them out now. I believe right now... is the problem/solution between ex-Governor and recent governor...

Poor citizens, hope they are doing alright. I still don't understand why Government is not acting immediately? I just don't understand.

Taiwan, I am praying for you.

Head is still spinning, better get off work soon.... looking forward to it.

God, please handle those tragic stories for us. Human beings can't handle them peacefully. Please guide us.

I m praying in the name of Christ, ~Amen.

What should I do with him?

Today, I am not very awake.

I believed I felt to sleep early last night, but I woke up in the middle of the night. Ka Ho was not home. All the negative thoughts just snapped into my mind.

I kept BB him, I kept calling him. He didn't answer the phone. I intentively drove the car around to find him. I didn't know where my brother was.... Finally, Mr. Chan came home around 3:00am while he needed to wake up around 7:30am...

Dear God,

Please forgive my paranoid. I didn't know how to handle it. Somehow I have a great responsibility on Ka Ho as Parents are away from us. I don't know how to explain to him how worried I am, but please God, it seems like I want to take a break. Would you mind to take this stone away from my mind and let myself set free? The worries, the angers... my Lord, it really bothers me... I really don't know what to do, but talk to you, look at you, and please lead me on your way. As I always want to walk on my way, No God, please lead me to your way.

My Lord, I always want to put Ka Ho to you as you love him very much. He knows, but he doesn't want to admit. Please God, please help him. He is so lost. always find something to fill up his time. Please help him set his schedule, please lead him to a better life. I love you, My Lord. He is my youngest brother, I am not too sure how come he is walking away from you. Please help him and hold him in your arms.

Today, I want to say Sorry to do on what I did. I believe that I just enjoy my life so much. Please let me know if I am wrong. God, I know you love me as well. Please let me know how to handle my emotion, how to follow you? I always want to listen to Karen about following you. I always want to do so, but I can't really keep it up. Please tell me what to do. Please guide me what to do. My Lord, I shouldn't do something bad when I represent as your daughter. Please forgive me. I am doing my best to correct it. Please help me.

I love you, My Lord, and please give me wisdom on how to handle things that I don't know/ didn't know how yet. I will follow you, my Lord.

in Christ,

Percy

Preparation 100%

This coming Friday, I am heading to camp with a group of friends including Ka Ho and Kenneth.

Looking forward to it, but to be honest, I am kind of nervous. I didn't really plan camping for a LONG LONG time... so.. .I am sure there are something missing.

When I sent out the reminder email to all Campers, my honey, send out another one with FULL details on how to get there, what is the budget, who is taking care of what... wow... so cool.... so lovely...

I feel that I don't need to worry about anything anymore... let Kenneth handle stuffs for me is a good choice.

Am I making the right choice? or just the fake one? God, please guide me and let me know.

Anyway, Thank God that I have him... I feel that I am at least 70% worry free... ahahaha!

Good... for me and poor for kenneth. He has 70% more to be worried. =P

If I have a chance to get married with him, I believe I don't need to worry about my wedding at all.. .just attend! haahahaahaa! Good!!!!! Good for someone lazy like me.!