"Tam Kwan Kon"

A lot of people didn't know Tam Kwan Kon. He was one of the best people in my life. He was my Granduncle, my grandma's brother. He was a soccer legend in HK history. He was goalkeeper in Nam Wah Soccer team back in 50s. He moved to Toronto, Canada in 1976. I didn't have a chance to see him until I was 6. I went to Toronto for visiting and it was the first time I met him. He was 6 ft tall, very build in body with a big SMILE on his face at all time.

The last time I saw him was in hospital in Jan, 2002. I was the one who zipped his bag. I would not forget that scene. I drove very fast from Guelph to Toronto downtown (I was/am still not a downtown person). Boy jai was in the car. I ran up to his ward, my cousin Yu Hon was there waiting for me. I looked at him and he signed me to walk into the room. I went inside and I saw a big plastic bag. First time ever I got so closed to death. I uncovered the bag and I saw him. He was with "staple" on his head (He had a head surgery before he passed away), eyes closed and mouth opened. I couldn't stop my tears and I started to touch his face. First time to touch a person who used to laugh with me, but then slept in the bag. I told him that I thanked him for giving me the honor to close the plastic bag for him. I told him not to worry about grand auntie, I would take care of her for him.

Do you know why I had to mention about it? Honestly, I really don't know. I was thinking of him last night when I was driving back home on 14th Ave. I missed him very much and I started to cry really bad. I really miss him very much!!!! I know that he is waiting for me in the heaven (he is a christian) and I am sure he will be happy to see me again in the heaven. This actually triggers me to be a good christian and find a way to get close to God. I want to learn from God, and I am sure God will guide me all the way from now to the time I go back to Him.

Yeah, I miss you, 5 Kau Gung!!!! I really do!!!!

Life Planning

It is not too late to have a planning, right? I am wondering what I should do in order to get closer to God. Yeah, I admit that I am not strong enough in faith. That is one of the reasons to have a plan.

Here is my plan(Now till Dec 31):

Daily Devotion: Luke and Acts
Daily readings: try to get out Exdous as soon as possible
Side dish: Purpose Driven Life

I am trying to have long term plan, but I know it is not planned by me, but God. however, I prayed to Lord and see what he showed me... so far so good. Even it is only 1 month plan, I really like it very much.

Percy

How much can I handle?

Dear God,

Would you tell me what it means by “friendship”? Why am I friend with him when he hurts me that much? Would you tell me why? Dear my heavenly father, would you tell me why it happened to me? Did I choose the wrong friend? Did I do it on purpose to torture myself??? How come he hurts me so much… and never say a SORRY to me…? Why he treats me like SHIT while I treasure his friendship so much? Why does he has to treat me like this??? Are you trying to prove anything….Are you trying to tell me how much you love me by sending this person to me…? Sorry… My Lord… please let me go back to you …. Please let me just leave his world… I don't know how much I can handle… I don't know how much I can bear with.

Please LORD … please help me… I have a lot of things to go through….. please guide me… I don't know if I can handle it well.. handle it right… please lead me… without you, I have no way to go…I have no place to stay…. Please forgive me how stupid I am… please forgive me how dumb I am…. Please forgive me … how weak I am. I am not willing to give up… but I am telling myself to give up. I am suck at work… I am dumb in friendship… I am no one in relationship… whatelse can I be?

(finished by crying out and hurting myself until I saw blood...)

God has HIS plan in so details

I always think GOD has HIS plan on me... but I just feel so amazed that God actually is not only a planner, but a wonderful well prepared event organizer. I thank God for giving me so many different things happened in my life. Those things were happening one by one. They followed so smooth and so tight in schedule.

I realized how much I am not with my Lord lately. End up I went to get some helps from my mentor. Good that my mentor sat down with me. He made me to think what I needed to focus on and what I should do next. Thank you, my Lord.

He is not having warm place? May I provide him one?

I had a bad day at work today. Heehee, actually, doesn't matter, no matter how much I showed I worked hard, my senior couldn't see it, but only shouting at me by not doing enough. I started to think whether I should just quit the job or just hang in there. I didn't know what to do. Let God show me the way.

I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't want to show how much I wanted to talk to him. I confused myself really bad by holding my feeling away from him. I realized that he has so many choices, so he might not understand my feeling since he had so many girls around him. I really wanted to tell him how much I like him.... and how long I like him.... Oh well... why bother?... To be Con't...

I met him again...

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me another chance to meet him again. I was surprised. I was amazed when I met him again. I thought back to the first time I met him. He was mean, mouthy, bully, insensitive, but he was also nice originally. Thank God for planning me to know this guy. I was happy. He was my friend's friend. He liked my friend very much. I knew it from the first time I met him. That was why I didn't say until our friend get married. I could felt that he likes this girl still but he would not be able to get her anymore. She is getting married.

My dearest Lord, you made me spent 10 years to wait to observe him, you leaded me to see him again, you guided me to see another side of him. Thank you for telling me that he is a fellower, true Christian. Please show me what I should do. Please guide me to walk away from him if he is not the one you planned for me. I need your help, my Lord. I always got very confused who you planned for me, and who are not. Please protect me from hurting. Please show me what I need to do in order to walk the way you've planned. I don't want to do anything you don't like. Please guide me. I am scared to do stupid things you don't like. I am sure you will protect me from doing the bad things.

My Lord, I am happy. You gave me hope again. You gave me wish. Please tell me if he is the one. Please guide me if he is the one you want me to be with. I am praying in the name of Jesus Christ. ~Amen.

ET Come HOME!!!!!!

(forward it to as many of your friends as possible to support! please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Dear friends of mine,

If you still have not heard anything about this great event, please take some time to read this email and the web site below immediately. And please help spread this to every of your friends, no matter where you are in the world, Canada or not....!

Let more people know about this great archieve. 2 of my friends, Eddie & Tony, decided to follow Terry Fox's footstep. Instead of running, they chose to walk from a most eastern point of Canada, St John's Newfoundland, back to Toronto Ontario, for a total distance of over 2000km. No luxurious hotel, no delicious food, just plain love to the kids in China who desperately need more funds for better educations!

PLEASE VISIT THE WEB SITE BELOW TO FIND OUT MORE DETAILS, UPDATES OF THEIR WALK, AND DONATE!!!!!http://www.crrstoronto.org(Daily update Photo: http://www.crrstoronto.org/etcomehome/view2.php) Also you may email them at etcomehomesafe@hotmail.com! Drop them a line sometime and support them!!!!!!!Should anyone has friend in different provinces that can help, please message me a.s.a.p. THANKS!!

Sincerely,
Percy

(Introduction of the ET Come Home)==============Walk from St. John's to Toronto. A fund-raisingproject, nicknamed As I walk, You Learn hasbegun on September 3, 2005 in St. John's,Newfoundland.Eddie Hui and Tony Wong of Toronto, Ontario haveset out to walk from St. John's to Toronto, adistance of over 2,000 kilometres that will takethem across six provinces, in an effort to raisefunds for the Culture Regeneration ResearchSociety (CRRS) and its "Growing Seeds Project"in Guanxi, China. Eddie and Tony will finance theirown journey, while Toronto First Radio AM1540has undertaken the task of sponsoring andpromoting this meaningful event.The passion for positive social changedemonstrated through the ambition of these twoyoung men will be an excellent role model forothers in their generation; their sacrifice will inspireothers to do their part to make our world morepeaceful and beautiful.CRRS was founded in 1994 as a non-profit and non-political academic organization in Vancouver,British Columbia.

CRRS was founded by Dr. In-Sing Leung with the Hon. Dr. David See-Chai Lam,British Columbia's 25th Lieutenant-Governor, as its Honorary Patron. Presently, CRRS has over 5000members. Through the Growing Seeds Project,CRRS aims to improve the quality and delivery ofbasic education in the underserved regions of ruralGuanxi Province.For more information, please browsewww.crrstoronto.org or emailinfo@crrstoronto.com ; to make a donation, pleasecall (416) 786-WALK (9255) or 1-866-435-CRRS(2777). For donations of $20 or more, tax receiptswill be issued.

I broke down...

Don't ask me, because I really don't know the reason. I only remembered that I was very sad, very depressed. It seemed like I had so much stresses around me. I knew that I was getting depression again. I was scared. I didn't know what I could do...

second day, my mood got worse. I was very upset about the stress I had. I called King to tell him how much I was not happy. I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I guessed I totally out of control. I told myself inside that I should kept clear minded. I knew that I was losing it. I was scared... I sat down on the floor and cried really hard.... All of a sudden, I had the thought about how to kill myself and let me tell you it was not fun. Beside the thought I had, I also planned what my family needed to do for my funeral. How crazy I was, how scary it would be if it actually happened. I was scared....

I went to see Dr. the following morning. Dr. gave me 2 choices. One was going to emergency room myself, or she would call cop to take me there. I asked for the third choice, she asked me to make sure I was not living alone (someone supervises me) and started taking pills. I wanted to get help too. However, I took the anti-depression pill and start to ask Ka Ho to stay with me. I still not happy, but at least .... I started to calm myself from crying.

Hope I will get better. I am going to see Doctor again... I really don't like "Depression"...

I kissed dating goodbye

After the broke up with Jason, I went out with Fred for a while. I was not too sure what I really wanted. I thought it was not fair to Fred to be the rebounce. I called off the relationship, but I still kept pretty good relationship with Fred. Good Relationship as friend, as well as good female friend sometimes. He treated me very nice but I really didn't think I knew what I was doing.

I prayed to my LORD and asked for direction. He ended the relationship between Fred and me and I stopped dating since then. I tried to look for the better relationship, not too sure if I was too scared to hurt others or being hurt. Just can't showing my love or giving the right signals to others. I re-read the book named "I kissed dating goodbye" again. ( I actually didn't finish the book yet) The author wrote some major points that I wanted to say them out but not too sure what words I should used. I started to learn how to be a christian who GOD wants. I started to pray to LORD to find the right one for me, so I don't need to look around. I hope everything should come out smooth, bcoz it is hold by GOD.

I lost one of the chance, the guy I like he has a gf now. I do have some single males... but I am afraid to have further relationship with anyone of them. However, I started to build myself a wall. A wall between my male friends (those I think they have potential to be my bf.) and me. I don't know what I should talk, but I am thinking to set up the barrier in between.

It is not fair for myself, but I do think it is one of the good way to protect myself. I guess the best thing is to open my heart. Oh well... If 'he' is the one, GOD will show HIS way. What do you think?

Aplastic Anemia

Do you know what Aplastic Anemia? It is a fatal disorder disease in Bone marrow. This disease cause no production of white blood cell, red blood cell and platelet...

My lovely Boy jai has it now... eventually, either he will put to sleep soon, or he may be able to get better (1% chance? I guess). I don't know what I want to write.... but I really want to leave a Blog about it.

It is not genetic problem, but I guess from some kind of Virus. I have been asking myself, "why is Boy jai?" He did so many good things to human.

*He entertained 5 Kau Gung when Kau Gung came to our house. Boy Jai loved Kau gung. He was crying after I told him Kau Gung passed away.
*He was my partner when Jason (my ex) went out with his friends. He listened to me. He followed me. He made me felt important.
*He made me walking more than I wanted to. KEEP FIT with me.
*He passed the exam to be the therapy dog. He likedto meet people. It seemed like he didn't know what he was doing, but he felt comfortable to let others pet him.
*He kept company with Cookie, share his home with Cookie and let Cookie pick on him. He understood he needed to love Cookie.
*He stayed around my mom when my mom didn't know how to deal with him.
*He was very good with children.
*He is the GIFT from God.

Dear God,
Please give me strength to take extra care of Boy Jai. He is sick right now. I need the power. Not that I want to heal him myself, but you heal him... You are the power of the nature... I am sure you can heal him. I praised the Lord that you lead my way...on how to take care of Boy Jai. I miss him already...Please take care of boy jai and me. I know I will need your healing from the broken heart. I am praying in the name of Jesus Christ. ~Amen.

Open my eyes and let me see what I need to see...

Dear Lord,

Give me a pure heart and a wise mind, that I may carry out my work according to your will. Save me from all false deires, from pride, greed, envy and anger, and let me accept joyfully every task you set before me. Let me seek to serve the poor, the sad and those unable to work. Help me to discern honestly my own gifts that I may do the things of which I am capable, and hppily and humbly leave the rest to others. Above all, remind me constantly that I have nothing except what you give me, and can do nothing except what you enable me to do.

~Jacob Boehme (1575 - 1624), shoemaker and mystic

Sorry for copying others' work as mine. I really like this prayer!!!! I just can't leave my eyes off the paragraph. I am having a BIG BATTLE inside me to fight over what is right and what is wrong. Why Do I need to worry that much? Being Silly...

Perz

暫時共你沒緣份

煉金術
作曲 / 編曲 / 監製 ： 伍樂城 @ RNLS
作詞 ： 黃偉文

給我一團熊火 試煉我 證明我這麼狠狠愛過
期望不多 只要得到過 你身旁 那寶座
給我一場洪水 冷靜我 眼淚太多已匯聚成河
力竭聲嘶請你喜歡我 什麼事都做過 都不能感動你麼
*原來暫時共你沒緣份 來年先會變得更合襯
頑石哪天變黃金 我可以等 融合二人是哪樣成份
但願虔誠能顯得吸引 用五十年溶化你 成就 金禧一吻*

不夠激情仍可靠耐性 對付你的冷酷及無情
沉默假使都算種本領 我一定 最安靜
深信忠誠遲會獲勝 那份固執終於都會被尊敬
如煉金般等你先轉性 除非遺失人性
怎可能一直結冰 Repeat *

頭白了 還在等 情人預約在黃昏
原來暫時共你沒緣份 來年先會變得更合襯
期待再苦再難堪 我都會忍
談情十年未晚不怕等
渡日如年仍覺得興奮
若最後能溶化你 何用 心急手震

It really hurts

This is how I feel tonight. Very hard to pass the night. When I am guiding the guy I like to chase another girl...

我真的受傷了 張學友
作詞：王菀之　作曲：王菀之

窗外陰天了　音樂低聲了　
我的心開始想你了
燈光也暗了　音樂低聲了　
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外陰天了　人是無聊了　
我的心開始想你了
電話響起了　你要說話了　
還以為你心裡對我又想念了
怎麼你聲音變得冷淡了　
是你變了　是你變了
燈光熄滅了　音樂靜止了　
滴下的眼淚已停不住了
天下起雨了　人是不快樂　
我的心真的受傷了

I feel good

I finally felt how important I was to some people. I went to work and told my boss and my colleauges that I wouldn't be able to help them out for tonight's event. What else could I do? They didn't say anything, but I myself felt that they really needed me there. Even it was not my project, I didn't mind to help them out. I felt guilty by not helping them out. So I told them I would went down there for site checking. They showed me the smile and were very impressed. I knew it was bad, but didn't know that was so bad.

I went down there, started to pick up what I needed to know and what I had to do. I talked to production team, and managed the operation team. I knew my senior was trying his best to do his job. It was just not his job, do you know what I mean?

I tried to tell them what they had to concern, looked at the watch and realized I was late for Scout (again). I ran out of "Hummingbird Center" and got in subway right the way. I was very tired because there was no time for me to rest. Things were not getting better, traffic jam. Oh well, not the bad one. I went to Richmond Green. I saw so many people there. They were so happy and having fun to eat. I was happy. I was flowing around and chit chatted with the parents, and kids. I loved them very much.

Finally, I could went back to fellowship. Not the bad idea, but I think should be good to have the sense of feeling again. Good to see those familiar faces and once again, I could got closed to GOD again.... How wonderful it was.

Things would get better. I will be patience and see. In the meantimes, I will try my best to look for jobs. I need the new one. I am very tired and hope everyone would understand what happened to me was very challenge in my life.

I really wanted to get away. HOpe everything should be OK.... I miss the days I was free.

Perz

This is the way I am protecting myself...

Some of my friends told me that I am not attractive at all, because I don't act like a girl. Does that mean all the tom boys have to become lesbians, or being lonely till they die?

When people know me, some commons are the following:
"Percy? She is very strong!!"
"Percy? She acts like very man!! She voices out really like the leader!"
"Percy? She is not girlish at all! So loud! so mean! no sensitive enough to be a girlfriend..."

I keep asking myself why I have such an image in my friend's hearts? Ahhh!! I know, this is the way I protect myself from being hurt. I don't want anyone to hurt my feeling face to face, in person nor directly. This is very personal issue and I will take it more serious and personal. Am I really that strong? Strong enough to let people think I can handle any bad situation? Honestly, I am not strong! I am not brave. I act like this bcoz I have to, I need to, and I must be this way! Isn't it funny? a chicken-shit person acts like strong. How nasty about it.

I am not girlish enough, I am not! and I can't act like one. It can't pass my standard. Isn't it rediculous? I am sure my friends will freak out if they see the girlish Percy. Plus it is not weird at all. I guess it is very important to keep my attitude. I am not that out-going, I don't like to talk. (Can you believe it, but it actually am)

Being a guy, talks like guys, etc etc...these are the way I am protecting myself. From being human emotion rather than, no signed just package loh.

I am very sleep now. Good luck!
Percy Chan

I see people really

Percy

Am I too sensitive?

Dear you,

Things are getting better... I am still asking myself how I should treat you. As a friend? or as a person I like at this moment? I guess the most you treat me nice... the more sensitve I am to you.

you are not that far away.... but I just don't know why I can't talk to you. You convince me that I like my good friend... why is that? Good friend is good friend... It is different between friendship and Love relationship.

If you don't like me, please keep a distance from me. I don't like picking up the wrong signal. I don't like walking into the deadend. Not that I can't wait for the relationship I want, but I will rethink if I really getting this relationship as my true relationship? I still have a lot of doubt.

If you think I am too sensitive, please not to do something to get me too sensitive...

Percy

The weaker I am, the stronger I am!

Dear you,

Guess what?I have been working like crazy. Not that I want to get promote, but I really want to learn whatever I can. Things are not that bad, the more my co-ordinator doesn't work hard, the more things I learn from what I have right now.

I miss you very much. I tried to talk to you, but I really can't think of anything to talk to you. I felt cheap if I go look for you everyday. I tried not to do that... but you know what? I just can't pass my standard....

I really want to tell you that I need to that I miss you....

Percy (SLEEPY)

Boy Jai, Don't leave me like this...

When People know me, they will know my boy as well. My dog, Boy jai, was born in Guelph on 5th of October, 1998. He is 6 1/2 years now.

He had a very different liver than other dogs. He had liver failure once in 2003 and he just had another one last week. It was very sad to watch my boy's health going downhill without doing any good to him. can't help him at all. I just didn't know what I could do.

He went to emergency on May 21 (the day before my birthday), he was in very critical situation and it was very hard for me to leave him there. He bonded to me too closed.... I was not downtown person (I am still not) but it was the first time I went downtown 6 days in a row. It was really hard for me.

I guess he is getting better that is count, right? I know he may not be able to recover 100%, but stil have a chance to be a healthy dog. I praised to LORD to give my Boy jai back to me. I hope I know how to comfort him if anyhing happen again.

Percy

Insomina

It is very hard to explain myself how I can't go to sleep at night? It is very hard.

I didn't do much today, bcoz I was very very sleepy (due the lack of sleep at night). I went to see the Doctor. I realized that no matter how many hours I sleep, I got up and I got fully energy... but all of a sudden, I felt very sleepy.

I went to "Fung Fok Tong" with Fannie tonight. I shared my problem with her. It is really hard to "have a good feeling" with a non-christian. It doesn't matter how to talk him out. He doesn't want to... he won't get close to HIM.

Still have sleeping problem. Don't know what to do... really really hard... to understand. I sleep around 4 hours average for more than months. It is very bad for my health. I am trying to function better... Anyway, try my best to sleep.... must sleep ... sleep...

ZZZZZ..........ZZZZ........zzzzzzzz.........zzzz..........zz........zz.....z.....z...............z.......

Percy

Headaches....

It is such a nice day for me. I don't like too BRIGHT day, but not grey day either. I have been waiting for your call/email for a week. I just didn't have a luck to get any message from you. Is it bcoz you are Introvert?? I really don't understand.... may be I am just too outgoing.

I really want to meet you again... even I know you not that long... I always remember the 1st day I met you. I was waiting at the line to get my ski equip. My friends were still waiting... and you came to me, introduced yourself to me. This was very touched and warmed. I knew this is the way you are...

Things get better and better... From then... I met you almost every weekend. It was very amazing. I was very happy... You spent a lot of time with me. Of coz I enjoyed the time with your brother as well. You two came to my house.. always light up my night!

Thank you! You know who you are, PaSa.

Percy